So last week I became the proud owner of my very first gaming fashion item after purchasing one of these bad boys.
Last year gaming Christmas jumpers became the must-have clothing item for geeks everywhere when Sonic and Streets Fighter released their first knitted apparel. My mother tried buying one for her almost son-in-law (I love finding new ways to say that I’m getting married – can you tell?) as he loves all things Sonic, but she had to buy the shitty printed versions that were hastily shipped after everyone and their friend bought the genuine-knitted article. It was a shame, but it was the thought that counts!
My other half has owned gamer clothing the entire time I’ve known him – Sonic/playstation beanies, t-shirts, hoodie…pretty standard stuff. But I’ve not jumped onto the bandwagon until now, and I have to say I’m pretty impressed. It’s a really thick, warm jumper. And best of all? I don’t have to wear the largest size they sell! You have no idea how good a feeling that is for a fatty like me.
I wanted to buy another one, but having a look there isn’t anything else that has caught my eye. It’s all FPS, or classic fighter games…or Sonic. Why is there no Final Fantasy Christmas jumper? I’d buy that shit straight away.
Another thing I’ve often noticed when trying to buy ‘geeky’ or ‘gamer’ clothing, is that unless you are *at most* a size 16, you will not find a wide variety of female clothing – be it t-shirts, skirts, dresses etc. I love tank tops, strappy tops, dresses – as long as there is a flattering cut around my boobs and it’s not suffocatingly tight for a top, and goes with leggings as a dress/skirt I’m a happy camper. But can I get any interesting designs in those styles and my size? No – I have to buy a male t-shirt and either suck it up or cut it up. Shoes? Again, as a size 9 as long as I’m happy buying men’s shoes I can get a geeky pair. That’s quite disheartening, and makes shopping at conventions a much less fun experience. Obviously if I could sew it would make life a whole lot easier, but what about us lazy larger ladies? Am I just shopping at all the wrong places?
What I like best however is when people get creative and make their own – I once had a half hour drunken chat in a nightclub with a woman who made her very own Pokémon corset. Now that is that I call
In summary I love geeky clothing, the more original the better – I only wish I could wear more of it.
I’m not sure if any one of you have read in the news recently, but it seems someone has finally picked the most ridiculous premise for a game/film combination. That’s right people – Monopoly will now be made into a film!
Let that sink in for a moment. Somewhere, some idiot has played a game of Monopoly and thought “I can definitely make a film from this”. This is a board game where you buy property and put hotels on them to torture your fellow players and laugh in their faces as they go bankrupt. I suppose if you look at the figures you can see why they think this is a sure thing: Monopoly has been played by more than 1 billion people in 114 countries around the world and has been translated into 47 different languages since it’s release in 1903. It has been adapted to suit various franchises (Simpsons, Star Wars, Skylanders, Street Fighter – the list is ridiculous), it is used by McDonald’s regularly in their sweepstake promotion bringing continual publicity and in 1990 America aired a Monopoly television show on ABC (cited on Wikipedia). But any executive just needs to flick through the back catalogue of terrible game to film movies to see how this is going to end.
The concept of video games being turned into films is one that has been done many times over. A quick Google search shows up a full list of titles including the following:
Resident Evil (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 33%)
Max Payne (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 16%)
Tomb Raider (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 19%)
Super Mario Bros (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 16%)
Street Fighter (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 12%)
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 4%)
BloodRayne (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 4%)
Mortal Kombat (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 33%)
Dead or Alive (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 33%)
Prince of Persia (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 36%)
Final Fantasy (Spirit’s Within Rotten Tomatoes Score: 44%)
Silent Hill (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 29%)
Doom (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 19%)
Far Cry (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 12%)
Hitman (Rotten Tomatoes Score: 14%)
If you have seen any of these you will realise that there are few gems buried in that list. The average Rotten Tomatoes score for the list is 21.6%, and that is only with films like Final Fantasy and Resident Evil dragging it up kicking and screaming. So what causes this godawful trend?
One of the things to look at in a series of dreadful films in a genre is to see who directed them. A well-known director of video game movies is no other than Uwe Boll, one of the worst film directors in movie history. The worst films on my list (In the Name of the King and BloodRayne) were both his deformed retarded offspring, and he is one of the few recipients of the “Worst Career Achievement” award at the 29th Golden Raspberry Awards, awarded it for the monstrosity that is ItNotK. Thankfully not all companies will just blindly take his money to turn their beloved franchises into films – he was refused the opportunity to direct the World of Warcraft movie, and Blizzard said “We will not sell the movie rights, not to you…especially not to you. Because it’s such a big online game success, maybe a bad movie would destroy that ongoing income, what the company has with it.” (Blizzard laugh away Uwe Boll”. Movie Chronicles.com. 2008-04-21. Retrieved 2008-10-24.) I am a little cautious of writing too much about Uwe though, as I hear he does not handle criticism very well – reacting in a variety of fun ways from sending abusive emails to critics ( Chris Kohler (2007-08-14). “You Dumb F*ck: Uwe Boll Responds To Our Postal Review”. Wired. Retrieved 2007-08-15.) to literally punching them in the face for publicity ( Tiffany Crawford (2006-09-25). “Controversial German director beats up harshest critics in boxing ring”. Canadian Press. Retrieved 2006-09-26.)
Another director who has his name linked to some of these films is Paul W Anderson. Whilst his scores rate a little higher than Uwe’s (although let’s be honest, the bar is pretty damn low on that front), they aren’t exactly awe inspiring. Thankfully he has focused his efforts mainly around one franchise (Resident Evil), directing 4 out of the current 5 films, and being lined up to direct the final installment. This at least gives him the opportunity to listen the fans of the franchise, and add the little touches that truely bring out the best features in a game across to the big screen.
The one problem that I have noticed when looking up the biographies of these directors, is that none of them seem to have any kind of interest in the games they seem to be adapting, let alone the game culture that they’re stomping over. Whether they see it as an interesting story on its own, or just a nice big easy cheque I don’t know – but if we could have just one director who is a fan of the genre in his own right, then I think there is a chance to make something special. Take Joss Whedon for example. The man is a self-proclaimed geek – he loves all things sci-fi, comics, superheroes. And he has created some fantastic things (alright yes I’m a Browncoat, so sue me. Who doesn’t love Firefly?! Also Avengers…and Guardians of the Galaxy…but I digress). This man knows what the fans want because he is a fan! And the magic is there for all to see in it’s shiny glory.
But let’s be fair – it can’t be entirely at the fault of the director, you also need to pick the right game to begin with. Games like Street Fighter and DoA and Mortal Kombat? What kind of plot do they have? The point of any plot for them is to loosely explain why your character is doing a roundhouse kick to the face of your opponent. Doom? The player just needs to know where they are and if there are monsters. Sure these games are loved and remembered fondly, but did anyone stop and ask the fans why? It’s not going to be the plot is it? Now for gaming franchises like Final Fantasy I expect greater things, for one of the big selling points of any RPG is being able to see the story unfold over hours of walking round giant maps and random battles. Then again, these titles seem to be some of our highest scorers on the list. Although not added Final Fantasy: Advent Children also agrees with this theory, scoring 33% on Rotten Tomatoes.
A writer can only stretch a story so far before the holes become too big to ignore, but sometimes you get the feeling that any writers involved in these projects were rushed or didn’t care. I look to Super Mario Bros for my example – I can only imagine they were all drunk when they came up with their design for a Goomba
Overall, if you’re going to start off with a game that has a weak story at best, use a terrible script and have a godawful director, the output isn’t exactly going to be Oscar worthy. So I genuinely dread what this Monopoly film is going to be like. But on the plus side, at least they haven’t hired Uwe Boll…yet.