Metal Gear Abridged: From Memory – part 2

While I played through the original MGS so many times in my youth, I’ve only played these ones twice and once respectively… 8 years ago. Let’s memory!

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty

Oh boy, a whole new entire game featuring our hero the unkillable Solid Snake. He and Otakon are now an independent team called Philanthropy, working to prevent proliferation of Metal Gears by bungee jumping onto US Military tanker ships in search of evidence. Turns our a bunch of Russians led by General Gurlukovich and his daughter Olga had the same idea, and invade the ship in force. Snake gets his fight and infiltration on to make it to the main hanger, where he gets spooked by an action figure of Raven, before sneaking around the back of an entire platoon of highly trained Navy Seals watching a briefing. Mission complete.

Nope. Ocelot shows up and double crosses Gurlukovich and steals the new Metal Gear Ray. And he’s possessed by Liquid via his newly borrowed arm. And he sinks the tanker. And Snake dies.

The End.

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A few years later Snake is sent in via scuba suit to rescue the President from the oceanic research platform Big Shell. For some reason Snake sounds like a whiny loser instead of David Hayter’s unsackable performance. This Snake is actually Raiden, a new operative working for General Campbell and supported by his pining ex-girlfriend, which seems like a sound military decision. They angst at each other throughout the whole game.

Raiden gets his sneak on. On the way he has to fight various members of Dead Cell, the new terrorist threat. One of them is a lady who’s power is having a huge gun or something. Thankfully, he is able to rendezvous with a soldier who has managed to evade them, who’s name is Snake Pliskin. It’s totally not Snake. Another member of Dead Cell is an actual fat man called Fat Man, who wears rollerblades and plants bombs all over the place which have to be sprayed with coolant by pressing X really firmly, because everybody knew the PS2 had pressure sensitive buttons right?

Their leader is Solidus Snake, another clone, and Ocelot is with him. Turn’s out there’s a Metal Gear hidden on the Big Shell. Otakon has been brought in by the military to help, and his younger step-sister Emma is already here as the overseer for this Metal Gear. She agrees to help, but first you have to swim her through a bunch of flooded corridors because she is afraid of water. And she hates her brother. More on how those two things are somehow connected later!

While aiding you she is killed by Dead Cell member Vamp. Can you guess what he is, and also just how many times you’re going to have to fight him without ever winning? Oh yeah, Emma forgives Otakon as she dies in his arms. I guess when they were teens her dad committed suicide in their pool, almost killing Emma in the process, while Otakon was upstairs screwing his stepmother. Yep.

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Raiden gets betrayed by Snake Pliskin and  kidnapped and tortured, before escaping in the buff. Turns out it was a scheme by Snake, who reveals himself to great surprise at this point, to get into the depths of Big Shell, which is in fact one huge Metal Gear called Arsenal Gear. Raiden is somehow ok with a plan that involved his torture. Campbell isn’t happy and starts freaking out and smashing his face up against the fourth wall. He’s an AI, fuelled by Arsenal Gear’s supercomputer as some kind of test to turn Raiden into a perfect soldier.

So Team Snake fight a bunch of dudes and like 90 Metal Gear Rays before Arsenal Gear crashes into Manhattan. Turns out Solidus was previously secretly the President of the United States, but the world is controlled by his former handlers, a secret organisation called the Patriots, who used to be real people but who now live on as an artificial consciousness. Raiden kills Solidus with a badass sword and everyone sets off to destroy the Patriots, presumably in the next sequel.

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

Somehow Snake is in the 1960s, liberating nuclear scientist Sokolov from the Soviet Union. His boss is Major Zero, a harmless, likeable old Brit full of movie trivial. Equally harmless are medical expert Paramedic and weapons expert Sigint. The former will come in handy because in this game Snake is inordinately hungry and must constantly feast on every frog, antelope or alligator he sees, just like in real life.

Snake’s boss, the Boss, is here too, and in true Metal Gear mentoring tradition she quickly betrays Snake and defects to the Soviets, handing over some nukes to General Volgin in the progress, who in turn blows up the base because he’s bored, causing an international diplomatic incident. Snake is kicked off a bridge into a canyon, before being sent back into battle literally a few days later to kill his mother figure.

Also the now rogue Volgin has a giant metal tank, a metal tank made of gears, called, you guessed it… The Shagohod!

Snake gets his sneak on through lots of convenient long grass and meets up with his contact Eva, who has infiltrated Volgin’s group, before being interrupted by young Ocelot, who think’s he’s super cool with his own super secret team of soldiers, whcich he summons to his side with a completely badass call to arms.

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Obviously Snake beats his ass, suggesting he could be a lot cooler if he had a revolver. Continuity!

Lets try and remember the various boss mooks from this game… there’s The Fear, with the power of jumping around shouting his own name; The Pain, with the power of BEES; The End with the power of 6 hour long sniper battles and dying of old age when you shut off the console; some ghost guy with the power of guilt tripping you via hallucination; and astronaut guy with vacuum-of-space appropriate flamethrower weapon.

Later on, after a night of passionate shirtless hugging, Eva reveals that Volgin is actually after something called the Philosopher’s Legacy, a big stash of cash put aside by the world superpowers prior to the Second World War. Then she ditches you because she works for the Chinese, but not before Snake takes a bullet for her while being tortured. Goodbye eye. Hello continuity!

After brawling with Volgin and destroying his drill-tank-gear-thing, Snake is forced into a fight with the Boss, in spite of their pseudo mother and son bond, in order to make her a scapegoat and settle the international incident. Meanwhile, Snake becomes a hero, and is granted the title of Big Boss, which they presumably think is good enough recompense for all the emotional trauma, thus ensuring he never turns against the US Government.

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Metal Gear Abridged: From Memory – part 1

I haven’t played any Metal Gear games since 2008, and haven’t fully played all of the series. Lets do this.

Metal Gear

Elite infiltration agent Solid Snake infiltrates terrorist base Outer Heaven to destroy a giant mech called Metal Gear. He is underpowered and thus has to sneak past guards. General Campbell and his old mentor Big Boss provide radio support but surprise, Big Boss is the bad guy all along and Snake has to kill his own mentor, who is now dead and presumably never seen again. Frank Yaeger aka Grey Fox is maybe in this one?

Metal Gear 2

If not, he’s definitely in this one. Another Metal Gear to destroy, this time in some place called Zanzibar Land. Grey Fox is Snake’s old war buddy and you know where this is going. Another betrayal, and a badass showdown in an active minefield, ending with Snake killing Grey fox, who is now dead and presumably never seen again.

Metal Gear Solid

Snake is dragged out of retirement and sent to Shadow Moses Island in Alaska to stop his former unit Foxhound from detonating a nuke. Their only demand is Big Boss’ corpse, because he’s dead. Snake would rather be retired and training huskies, so smuggles cigarettes up his ass to make the mission more bearable. His support staff are Campbell, flirty literary buff Mei Ling, weapons nerd Naomi Hunter and McDonnell Miller, another former mentor… and yes he does.

Snake seeks out the DARPA chief Donald Anderson, who has a convenient heart attack after revealing that Metal Gear is back, and can shoot stealth nukes. A female soldier shows up, also working undercover, but is a useless rookie with a great ass. This is important later! She leaves and Snake finds Anderson’s boss tied up in C4 being tortured by Revolver Ocelot, a twirly wild west stereotype who gets his arm cut off by a sudden invisible science ninja. The hostage, and anyone who could further the plot dies from more heart attacks.

Snake fights a huge shaman called Vulcan Raven in a tank before finding the science ninja hassling a big nerd, Hal ‘Otakon’ Emmerich who pees himself. The ninja is Grey Fox, and he’s now a masochist for some reason. Snake beats him and finds out Otakon just wanted to make robots because of anime.

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Snake tracks down the female soldier, Meryl via her ass and a stupid fourth wall puzzle involving the game box because she’s Campbell’s daughter and can help, which she does by getting mind controlled by a floaty psychic called Psycho Mantis who makes you unplug your controllers and knows you like Pro Evo. Then she gets shot by Sniper Wolf who is a sniper who likes wolfs. Otakon doesn’t want you to kill her because he has a crush. You kill her later.

But not before Snake gets tortured by Ocelot. Depending on how well you button mash you either save Meryl or Otakon, even though both show up in the sequels.

Oh yeah, Miller is dead and is actually the leader of the terrorists in disguise. It’s Liquid Snake, your brrrrrother! Turns out you and him are clones of Big Boss bred to be the ultimate warriors. Snake is tricked into reactivating Metal Gear with his keycards, so you have to fight it. Grey Fox helps as he’s remembered you, but gets stomped into goo. Naomi is his adoptive daughter or something and was using her role on this mission to kill you with a magic heart attack nano machine serum or whatever, the same one that’s killing the people who know too much, but she forgives you and lets you live the rest of your life with a degenerative nano disease. Thanks Naomi.

Oh and Liquid is dead and presumably never seen again.

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