Metal Gear Abridged: From Memory – part 1

I haven’t played any Metal Gear games since 2008, and haven’t fully played all of the series. Lets do this.

Metal Gear

Elite infiltration agent Solid Snake infiltrates terrorist base Outer Heaven to destroy a giant mech called Metal Gear. He is underpowered and thus has to sneak past guards. General Campbell and his old mentor Big Boss provide radio support but surprise, Big Boss is the bad guy all along and Snake has to kill his own mentor, who is now dead and presumably never seen again. Frank Yaeger aka Grey Fox is maybe in this one?

Metal Gear 2

If not, he’s definitely in this one. Another Metal Gear to destroy, this time in some place called Zanzibar Land. Grey Fox is Snake’s old war buddy and you know where this is going. Another betrayal, and a badass showdown in an active minefield, ending with Snake killing Grey fox, who is now dead and presumably never seen again.

Metal Gear Solid

Snake is dragged out of retirement and sent to Shadow Moses Island in Alaska to stop his former unit Foxhound from detonating a nuke. Their only demand is Big Boss’ corpse, because he’s dead. Snake would rather be retired and training huskies, so smuggles cigarettes up his ass to make the mission more bearable. His support staff are Campbell, flirty literary buff Mei Ling, weapons nerd Naomi Hunter and McDonnell Miller, another former mentor… and yes he does.

Snake seeks out the DARPA chief Donald Anderson, who has a convenient heart attack after revealing that Metal Gear is back, and can shoot stealth nukes. A female soldier shows up, also working undercover, but is a useless rookie with a great ass. This is important later! She leaves and Snake finds Anderson’s boss tied up in C4 being tortured by Revolver Ocelot, a twirly wild west stereotype who gets his arm cut off by a sudden invisible science ninja. The hostage, and anyone who could further the plot dies from more heart attacks.

Snake fights a huge shaman called Vulcan Raven in a tank before finding the science ninja hassling a big nerd, Hal ‘Otakon’ Emmerich who pees himself. The ninja is Grey Fox, and he’s now a masochist for some reason. Snake beats him and finds out Otakon just wanted to make robots because of anime.

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Snake tracks down the female soldier, Meryl via her ass and a stupid fourth wall puzzle involving the game box because she’s Campbell’s daughter and can help, which she does by getting mind controlled by a floaty psychic called Psycho Mantis who makes you unplug your controllers and knows you like Pro Evo. Then she gets shot by Sniper Wolf who is a sniper who likes wolfs. Otakon doesn’t want you to kill her because he has a crush. You kill her later.

But not before Snake gets tortured by Ocelot. Depending on how well you button mash you either save Meryl or Otakon, even though both show up in the sequels.

Oh yeah, Miller is dead and is actually the leader of the terrorists in disguise. It’s Liquid Snake, your brrrrrother! Turns out you and him are clones of Big Boss bred to be the ultimate warriors. Snake is tricked into reactivating Metal Gear with his keycards, so you have to fight it. Grey Fox helps as he’s remembered you, but gets stomped into goo. Naomi is his adoptive daughter or something and was using her role on this mission to kill you with a magic heart attack nano machine serum or whatever, the same one that’s killing the people who know too much, but she forgives you and lets you live the rest of your life with a degenerative nano disease. Thanks Naomi.

Oh and Liquid is dead and presumably never seen again.


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